20 Ways To Improve Couple Communication And Deal With Relationship Conflict
Couples or lovers have been together for a period of time, and they will always encounter many relationship issues and communication problems. The closer the relationship, the more likely to have conflicts and communication problems. This is a common phenomenon. Here are 20 ways to help couples and lovers overcome the bottleneck of relationship and communication, grasp some key points to deal with opinions conflicts between and emotional up and downs among each other:
- Sincerely face the conflict, don’t avoid it, and talk together. Avoiding will make the other person feel disgusted and not serious.
- Negotiate a time and place that is acceptable to both parties to discuss the conflict. The place should be quiet, able to focus on each other, and will not be disturbed. Don’t deal with it too quickly, because individuals need to rest during mood swings, it takes about 60-90 minutes for adults to rest, while it takes 30-45 minutes for children to calm down.
- Don’t just focus on the event and ignore the feelings. Emotional feelings are innate, natural, and part of the whole of us. Therefore, if personal feelings are ignored, a person will also feel rejected. The door for communication will be closed.
- To solve a problem, one must first resolve the emotions. When the individual feels understood, the problems and difficulties begin to dawn, and each other will feel the possibility of communication and change. Therefore, in the process of communication and conflict resolution, empathy is very important.
- State the problem according to what you see. You can also list your doubts. Don’t accuse or belittle the other person’s personality, e.g., you fail all the times, you only speak but never act, you are so fat, you are so lazy, you have no friends.
- Use “I” to start the statement, don’t put all the responsibility on the other person. One palm can’t clap, only two palms can. Conflicts are mostly caused by two persons, therefore; both are responsible for the problem, not just one.
- Use “I” to state personal needs, for example: I want/I need…, so that the other party has the opportunity to hear and understand your needs clearly, without guessing.
- When responding, try to leave room and refrain from making judgments, accusations, and absolute statements, such as: “never”, or “absolutely impossible”. You can leave room for each other to digest and think, and do not insult, pose threats, act indecently, yell or intimidate.
- Let the other person speak clearly, don’t interrupt or refute. Listening is a must in communication, and each other needs sufficient time and space to express and speak.
- Listen carefully and ask fact-based questions, such as: Who? What? Where? When? How? To ensure that you and the other person have sufficient understanding of the matter. Don’t ask why you have this feeling, because feeling is a feeling, it is an innate natural reaction, and feeling is not right or wrong; furthermore, don’t ask why you don’t know, why you can’t understand?
- Repeating the importance of the other party’s narration, because the things mentioned in the communication are important. Repeating the importance can achieve mutual understanding and the foundation of mutual respect. Therefore, it is very important to listen carefully and repeat it once.
- Use open-ended questions instead of closed-ended questions, for example: asking the other person’s needs and ideas, rather than closed-ended questions such as: you agree or disagree, you can or cannot, you are right or I am right, you are wrong or I am wrong. Closed-ended questions will only stop the communication. Moreover, only when the problem reaches a deep and extensive understanding, can each other find a suitable solution to the problem. Therefore, do not rush to solve the problem. The first thing is to build up good communication.
- Deal with only one problem at a time. Don’t keep finding out old problems. The arrangement can be like this, for example: “I understand your concerns, but before discussing other issues, I want to finish what we are discussing and this problem first.
- The goal of communication is to seek "common ground.” You can ask the other party what you think and concern to find out what you have in common. You can also ask: Is this the only solution to our problem? If we do something like this, do we have other alternatives? When the problem is fully understood, you and the other party can try brainstorming together and think about different possibilities. In fact, each other’s expectation is to solve the problem and want to see improvement and progress.
- Propose and discuss solutions with each other. The goal is to make each other win, not just one person wins. Therefore, in the communication process, the goal is on each other’s needs, not just one’s own needs. The results of communication and the gains of conflict are personal growth.
- Only ask the other person to change his/her/their behaviour, don’t ask the other person to change his/her feelings about something, and don’t ask the other person to change to be another different person. If you want him/her/them to stop doing something, please suggest another action, do not compare, for example: how good another person is, or how well another person has done.
- Each party needs to agree on the best way to solve the problem and the timetable for implementing the changes, such as: who will do what and when? Action plans are crucial to reduce misunderstandings, increase mutual understanding, and know well in prior the difficulties when implementing the action plans. This will avoid and reduce the risk of disappointing the other party again, or cause frustration and sadness after failure.
- If the discussion fails, please reschedule another meeting and consider introducing the assistance of third-party professional counsellors. Note: There are actually many solutions to the problem, and the problem always needs to be solved step by step, not just a rush at once.
- Give yourself and the other party more appreciation and affirmation, even if it is just a little improvement or a small step forward, this is important for yourself and the other party, and the necessary motivation to work hard continuously.
- When needed, please kindly say: I’m sorry.